Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy: A Woman's Guide to a Better Life

Sisters,

This is a talk by my Aunt Merrilee (who is currently recovering from a mastectomy...she found a cancerous lump in her breast in September that turned out to be a stage 3 tumor and is now going through chemo). I found this talk on LDSLiving.com and loved it. Thought I would share. It's a must read for all those of us who feel like we just aren't able to do it all and are not allowing ourselves to have FUN! (If you want more, she has an entire book out on this topic at Deseret Book. It's on my Christmas list!)

HUGS,

Kacy Moller

Toss the Guilt and Catch the Joy: A Woman's Guide to a Better Life
by Merrilee Browne Boyack
July 08, 2008

Women of Joy, Not ­Guilt

I remember the day quite clearly. I had had a rough week caring for my four little boys. It was Saturday. And my sweet husband said to me, "Why don't you go have fun? I'll take care of the kids." I thought that was a stellar idea. I got in the van (which I lovingly call "The Mother Ship") and sat. Where to go? What to do? I sat for a long ­time.
My organized, serious mind went to work. Well, I should go get the grocery shopping caught up. I should probably drop by my visiting teachees and take them a treat. I should go to the club and exercise. Down the list my mind went. And then my fun side spoke up, You have a whole day! For heaven's sake, go do something fun! You can do anything you want!
I can't remember what I did that Saturday, but I remember that mental debate quite ­clearly.
I know I'm not the only one who faces this dilemma. Listen and see if any of these voices sound ­familiar.
* "A hot bath sounds wonderful right now, but I'd better finish this project for work."
* "I want to go out with my friends, but I need to do my visiting teaching first."
* "I feel guilty anytime I leave my kids in order to do something for myself."
* "My Relief Society lessons aren't nearly as good as Sister Perfection's. I'd better put in some more hours working on those handouts and gift baskets."
* "I didn't send out a Christmas letter last year; I'd better do a spring letter immediately. I don't ­know--­does that sound dumb?"
* "This diet is not working. Oh, let's face it. I'm so out of control. I'll never get this body back into shape."

Do you feel stressed, overworked, resentful, frustrated, or any of those other lovely draining adjectives that seem to define ­womanhood?
I hit my max at one point when I had four little ­boys--­ages 9, 4, 2, and a newborn--and a new Dalmatian puppy. I felt like I had a shackle on each limb plus a neck chain! I think the best word to describe my state of being was "confined." Let me share two entries from my ­journal.
April ­23
This week has been a bit of a trial. Just for Parker's future information, he is being a Terrible Two right now. This week alone he got red lipstick all over the bathroom carpet, wrote with red chalk and rolled a red jawbreaker (wet, of course) all over his carpet, wrote with colored chalk all over the walls, put toothpaste all over his dresser, spilled three bowls of cereal everywhere in the house, and for his finale, got a new bag of cookies, dumped them on the tile, STOMPED on them, and then walked (yes, with chocolate all over his shoes) through the living room to eat the remaining whole cookies under the dining room table! That's in one week!! He is lucky he survived!!
Oh, yeah, he also got in my car and jammed a ton of quarters into the cassette tape deck and then crammed in the tape. It is now broken. All I have to say is this, "YOU OWE ME KID!! IN A MAJOR WAY!!"

Sunday, July 7, ­1991
Well, another terrible week. Man, this journal is depressing. I sure chose a lousy time to write one. My poor kids are going to get a complex when they read this later. Maybe they will realize what a lot of work it was and will appreciate all the sacrifice. Doubtful. Poor Connor is going to get a ­complex--­he asks me every day, "Why are you crying, Mom?" I just say I'm having a bad ­day.
How can I explain that I feel like a tiger in a cage, pacing back and forth, back and forth. How can I explain that I have chosen to stay home with my children so that they aren't raised by strangers, but that this decision is DRIVING ME NUTS? How do I explain that we're always broke because I'm not working, and that I want to work but I can't because I have chosen to stay home with the kids and that while I believe that is a good choice, it is a really difficult one. Oh, well. Life isn't always ­fun.
It was at this point that my husband suggested that maybe I take some time for myself and go play. That seemed like a good idea. But I literally could not think of what I wanted to do! It was like my play button had been disconnected for so long that I couldn't even come up with one thing that sounded fun or ­appealing.
I began calling other women to see if they wanted to do something. And one after another declined. "Oh, I'm sorry, but I've got a big week at work this week." "I'm just really busy with the kids." "I have too much on my plate right now." Not one would take the time to go have fun!
I decided playtime was something I would have to do for myself. So I began to ponder: What did I want to ­do?
Now I figure that many of us are in this position. So let's do a little ­experiment.
Close your eyes and remember what you were like when you were sixteen. What did you like to do? How did you dress? Did you do sports or physical activities? What was fun for you when you were sixteen? Okay, open your eyes. (I know, how could you be reading this if they were closed? Work with me here!)
Now a simple question: Why aren't you doing that stuff ­now?
And more broadly, "Why don't women play?"
The answer is quite clear: Women feel guilty. We feel guilty about all the things we should be ­doing.
* I can't go on a date with my husband because I should spend more quality time with our ­children.
* I can't go out with girlfriends because I should visit my elderly grandmother ­instead.
* I can't take up a hobby because I should do my family history ­work.
* I can't exercise because I should clean the ­house.
We let guilt paralyze ­us.
I know a woman who hasn't read a book in decades because every time she feels the desire, she thinks, "Well, I really should read my scriptures instead."
We women feel guilt over every mistake we've made, every shortcoming we have, and every good thing that we're not presently doing because we haven't been able to cram it into our overflowing schedule yet!
It's interesting to compare this to men. Men feel they deserve time off. They've worked hard. They've taken care of their families and their responsibilities and now they're allowed to take it easy and have some fun. Women typically don't think this way. We not only don't feel we deserve time off but when we do take time off, we feel guilty about it!

The "Perfect Woman"
Part of the reason women feel this guilt so keenly is clearly the fault of the "Perfect Woman." You know who she is. She's out ­there--­and she's ­perfect.
If I were to ask you to describe the Perfect Woman, you'd have quick ­answers:
Clearly, she is a size six. No question about that. She has been married a long time to a really important man. He's the stake president. And she's the stake Relief Society president. And they have eight ­kids--­four boys and four ­girls--­evenly spaced. And she homeschools them all. Yeah, and they all play musical instruments--­beautifully. And she's a, a, . . . a neurosurgeon, and she works out of her home, only part-­time.
She has her family history done back to the Dark Ages (and is praying for help to find the rest). She sews matching clothes for the whole family. She has a huge garden and cans most of their food. She makes a loaf of ­whole-wheat bread from her food storage every day. Her scriptures are completely marked and ­color-­coded, and she studies them for an hour every morning and every night. She is taking a class in Mandarin in order to be able to serve a ­mission.
Her house is beautifully decorated and always immaculate. Her hair and nails are perfectly done. Her clothes are beautiful. She feeds the homeless every week, and she has created a foundation to help the entire country of Bolivia. She is making a quilt with 100 blockquotes for her grandmother, who is 100. And yes, all the corners of the quilt blockquotes match ­perfectly.
Shall we go ­on?
It sounds ridiculous, doesn't it? And yet, somehow, we all believe that the Perfect Woman exists ­somewhere.

Now to be honest, those of you who don't know me may not realize that this description is very close to describing me. I was a size six when I was, well, twelve years old. I am married and have been for a long time, but my husband is not the stake president. He's a Scouter. Okay, so to most people that's not a hugely impressive job, but it is to me. While I don't have eight kids, I have thought about homeschooling, but decided that I wanted my sons to survive to ­adulthood.
I haven't done my family history, but I do think about it often. Is that close? I rarely sew anymore, but I do have a sewing machine. I also have a good supply of wheat, which I dust off regularly. I eat a lot of canned food. I try to study at least a verse a day in my ­scriptures.
My hair and nails are perfect for brief moments throughout the year, until I get in the car and mess them up. My clothes are functional. Also, I tried once to make a little quilt in Relief Society that only had nine corners but none of them matched. I sewed buttons over the corners instead. It looked pretty ­cute.
So except for a few hundred minor faults, I'm very near to perfection ­myself.

My friend Vickie Gunther wrote a poem that describes the Perfect Woman ­well.
The Girl in a ­Whirl
by "Dr. Sue" (a.k.a. Vickie ­Gunther)
Look at me, look at me, look at me now!
You could do what I do if you only knew ­how.
I study the scriptures one hour each ­day.
I bake and I garden. I scrub and I ­pray.
I always keep all the commandments ­completely.
I speak to my little ones gently and ­sweetly.
I help in their classrooms! I sew all they wear!
I drive them to practice! I cut all their hair!
I memorize talks by the General ­Authorities.
I focus on things to be done by ­priorities.
I keep our home organized, clean and ­attractive.
I drop by with goodies and see the less-­active.
I play the piano! I bless with my talents!
My toilets all sparkle! My checkbooks all balance!
Each week every child gets a ­one-­on-­one ­date.
I attend all my meetings (On time! Never late!)
I'm taking a class on the teachings of Paul,
But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not ­all . . .
I track my bad habits 'til each is ­abolished.
I floss everyday! And my toenails are polished!
Our family home evenings are always ­delightful.
The lessons I give are both fun and ­insightful.
I do genealogy faithfully, ­too.
It's easy to do all the things that I do!
I rise each day early, refreshed and ­awake.
I know all the names of each youth in my stake!
I read to my children! I help all my neighbors!
I bless the community, too, with my ­labors.
I write in my journal! I sing in the choir!
Each day, I write "thank you's" to those I ­admire.
I exercise and I cook menus ­gourmet.
My visiting teaching is done the first day!
(I also go do it for someone who missed ­hers.
I love filling in for my cherished ward sisters.)
I chart resolutions and check off each ­goal.
I seek each "lost lamb" on my Primary ­roll.
I bottle our produce each summer and ­fall.
But that is not all! Oh, no. That is not ­all . . .
I went back to school to update my ­degree.
My studying earned me a new ­PhD
I split with the Sisters who cover our ­ward
To spread the glad truth that the Gospel's ­restored.
I go to the temple at least once a ­week.
I make my girls' prom ­dresses--­modest, yet chic.
My sons were all Eagles when they were fourteen!
My kids get straight A's! And their bedrooms are clean!
I have my own business to help earn some ­money.
I always look beautifully groomed for my ­honey.
I grind my own wheat and I bake all our ­bread.
I plan our nutritious meals six months ­ahead.
I make sure I rotate our ­two-­year's ­supply.
My shopping for Christmas is done by July!
(It's out of the way early on for a ­reason.
I then can prepare for the real Christmas season.)
These things are not hard. It's good if you do ­them.
You can if you try! Just set goals and pursue them!
It's easy to do all the things that I do!
If you plan and work smart, you can do them all too!
"It's easy!" she ­said . . .
. . . and then,
she dropped ­dead.

We all laugh about the Perfect Woman, but how many of us secretly compare ourselves constantly to this standard? It's like we carry around a huge backpack filled with rocks and wonder why we're tired! And every now and again, we sit down and pull out a rock to pound ourselves over the head: "I really should be canning my food. My grandma did. I only have six kids under eight. I should just get up at 4 AM and get this done!" On and on we go, heaping on the guilt!

The "Celestial Woman"
Let's pause for a moment in our ­guilt-­fest and ask this important question, "What is required to enter into the celestial kingdom?"
Do I have to be a size six to qualify? Don't think ­so.
Will the Lord ask if I had an "important" calling? Definitely ­not.
But what if I'm not married? Isn't that a deal breaker? Well, no, even the prophets have said it isn't.
Do I need to can, quilt, bake, sew, and organize to get in? Guess ­not.
So what's left? What is ­required?
Perhaps we can begin with this important goal: We should want to become a "Celestial Woman." If we have the desire, we will have the motivation to begin to seek out ways to strengthen our spirituality. As we focus on our desire to become a Celestial Woman and to live a more celestial life, we'll naturally increase our desire to have faith, repent, and try to be better every day. Our desire will draw us closer to the temple and to our family. We'll honor the covenants we have already made and strive to keep the commandments we may find challenging. We'll develop charity in our hearts and want to serve ­others.
The prophet Alma spoke of this as he taught how a powerful faith can grow from the simple righteous desire to believe, a desire to be better (see Alma 32).
So do we desire to be Celestial Women? Okay, then. Let's do it!
Let's talk about choices for a moment. We can select our own good works. Life is a smorgasbord of good choices. You will not be penalized for picking ham over chicken or cake instead of ­pie.
The Lord discusses this principle in Doctrine and Covenants 58:26-28.
For behold, it is not meet that I should command in all things; for he that is compelled in all things, the same is a slothful and not a wise servant; wherefore he receiveth no ­reward.
Verily I say, men should be anxiously engaged in a good cause, and do many things of their own free will, and bring to pass much ­righteousness;
For the power is in them, wherein they are agents unto themselves. And inasmuch as men do good they shall in nowise lose their reward.
The Lord will not rap you on the knuckles for your choices in selecting one good work over another. He will bless you for all your good works. He knows you have tons of problems and are doing the best you can. He is interested in your improvement and your progress. He does not condemn ­you.
We are condemning ourselves, and it is a total waste of time. We beat ourselves up for mistakes and choices that we've made and then we wallow in our guilt.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks discussed this in his talk, "Sins and Mistakes." I remember hearing him at BYU Education Week and finally "getting it" as to where all this guilt should fit in. He said,
Sins result from willful disobedience of laws we have received by explicit teaching or by the Spirit of Christ that teaches every man the general principles of right and wrong. For sins, the remedy is to chasten and encourage ­repentance.
Mistakes result from ignorance of the laws of God or of the workings of the universe or of people he has created. For mistakes, the remedy is to correct the mistake, not to condemn the ­actor. . . .
We should seek to avoid mistakes, since some mistakes have very painful consequences. But we do not seek to avoid mistakes at all costs. . . . To avoid all possibility of error is to avoid all possibility of ­growth. . . .
. . . Innocent mistakes can be a source of growth and ­progress.
Guilt, then, is to be saved for sins. In fact, guilt is very important and useful in this respect. It causes us to feel sorrow and to repent from sins that would otherwise prevent our growth. But somehow, we've extended guilt to include all our mistakes and imperfections and every good thing that we're not currently doing!
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is always rapping on women when they call her radio program and say, "I feel guilty . . ." She'll nail them and ask, "Why do you feel guilty for simply making a choice?" Truth is, we don't like to feel bad or uncomfortable and so we use guilt as a default ­word.
So for starters, let's eliminate that word from our vocabulary unless it refers to sin. ("Oh, great," you say. "Now I'll feel guilty just thinking the word!" This is only a suggestion. Nothing to feel guilty about!)

Consider for one moment. Do you honestly think an angel is standing at the pearly gates with a checklist?--"Hmm, let's see. A size eight, well that's acceptable . . . barely. Can you bake bread? No? Well . . . Do you know how to work with gluten? Good. Check! Okay, did you do graduate work in college? Good. Check! Now, did you learn how to quilt? No? Hmmmm. Were you a Relief Society president? Only a nursery leader? Oh, too bad. You know, I just don't think you made it. How about a nice terrestrial kingdom slot?"
Somehow I don't see that happening. And yet we run around our lives acting as if those are the requirements the Lord has asked of us!
It seems that we often use worldly standards to determine whether we are fit for the kingdom. But those worldly standards just don't apply. It's like we spend our whole lives cramming for a test without realizing we're using the wrong study guide!
On top of that we have to deal with the whole competition trap. We compare ourselves incessantly to the Perfect Woman or if not to her, then to "Sister ­Near-­Perfection" who lives in our ward or on our ­street.
At what point do we realize that we are not in a race! We are not competing! Whether you do something better or worse than someone else doesn't add brownie points to your scorecard nor remove them from hers. We will be discussing competition more in the next ­chapter.
Our lives can take on a pace and a pressure that drives us faster and faster to do more and more until our lists become endless. As I pondered this thought, I was moved by the insight shared by Barbara Timothy Bowen in An Emotional ­First-Aid Kit for ­Mothers.
Actually, it was a change in perspective that altered my plate spinning and made me view everything I did as a mother differently. Perhaps it began when I first read the ­near-­death experience in George Ritchie's book, Return from Tomorrow, in which the glorious being of light asks him what he has done with his life. After reviewing his worldly ­accomplishments--­such as having become an Eagle Scout and having been accepted into medical ­school--­he realizes to his horror and amazement that the only questions he's being asked, the only question he'll ever really be asked is "How much have you loved with your life?"
Now, I know this is probably not a new thought for you, and it was not a new thought for me. But when I read it, it hit me as though I were hearing it for the first time, and I cried inside, "How much have I loved with my life?" Suddenly my long list of daily demands, my endless plate spinning, seemed only important in accomplishing this one goal, and I began a new way of looking at my role as a mother. . . . Now I had only one main plate to spin, and the voice behind it was asking how much I was ­loving.

"How Much Have You Loved in Your Life?"
"How much have you loved in your life?" What an important question! Suddenly, all my obsession over my omnipresent ­to-­do list seemed to fade ­away.
I pondered Christ's life. He had no money and appeared to lack worldly success. He did not care one whit for worldly standards. Instead, he filled his life with good works and love. He was continually about his Father's ­business--­the work of saving ­souls.
Pondering Christ's life can help us plan our own lives and the focus we apply to ­it.
I'll admit it. I like checklists and making plans and feel I have good organizational skills. Those qualities help me personally to stay on track. But they don't work for everyone. And certainly God views our life and our spiritual development as a process, not a checklist. He does not peruse and review our personal report card. Nor should we hold up our own list: "Let's see. Family home evening? Check. Regular church attendance? Check. Family prayer daily? Check. Individual prayer? Check. Okay, I'm ready for the celestial kingdom!" Yes, these are all important elements of a righteous life, but in the end, the Lord will look not only at what we have done but also at who we have ­become.
How have we developed? Have we become more like Christ? Have we developed ­charity--­that pure love that is not only the Savior's work, but is also at the heart of who he ­is?
Life is a process to learn charity. To learn to love. The process of learning to love is important. Whether you learn and experience that process through maintaining your home and trying daily to teach your children to get along with each other, or whether you're a president of a large company and trying to get along with coworkers, the process of learning to love is crucial and tailored to each situation. The importance lies in what you are learning through the ­process.
The world takes a completely different view. One lifestyle is considered quite unimportant and menial, while another is considered hugely important. We need to keep a godly perspective on what our work is here on the earth and not be distracted by the worldly ­perspective.
Each of us can use the experiences of our life to learn to love. We can explore each opportunity to grow. But it is our choice whether we cut our growth and development short by reveling in the worldly success we've achieved, or whether we continue to humbly pursue growth in that important life lesson of ­love.

Focus on "Becoming"
As I mentioned before, focusing on what you've done is not as important in this learning process as focusing on who you have ­become.
Elder Dallin H. Oaks spoke of this in his great talk, "The Challenge to Become," where he ­stated:
The Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil ­acts--­what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and ­thoughts--­what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to ­become. . . .
We are challenged to move through a process of conversion toward that status and condition called eternal life. This is achieved not just by doing what is right, but by doing it for the right ­reason--­for the pure love of Christ. The Apostle Paul illustrated this in his famous teaching about the importance of charity (see 1 Cor. 13). The reason charity never fails and the reason charity is greater than even the most significant acts of goodness he cited is that charity, "the pure love of Christ" (Moro. 7:47), is not an act but a condition or state of being. Charity is attained through a succession of acts that result in a conversion. Charity is something one becomes. Thus, as Moroni declared, "except men shall have charity they cannot inherit" the place prepared for them in the mansions of the Father (Ether 12:34; emphasis added). . . .
Instead of being judgmental about others, we should be concerned about ourselves. We must not give up hope. We must not stop striving. We are children of God, and it is possible for us to become what our Heavenly Father would have us ­become.
Elder Oaks's words make me think of my friend Izzy. When I was Relief Society president many years ago, Izzy was my counselor. She was old enough to be my mother, and I loved her to pieces. Izzy is elderly now and knows that she is approaching the final years of her life. She has had a long life filled with much heartache. She is divorced and three of her six children have died in tragic circumstances. She does not have much money and lives in a small condo. I know that the world looks at Izzy and doesn't see much that is successful or impressive in her life. But I look at Izzy and I see who she has become. You should have seen her during the week she spent at a nursing home. She was Miss Popular!
She was in pain and recuperating from several falls and many ailments, yet she radiated love and friendship. There was a constant parade through her room of visitors and friends she had gathered over the years through her love and ­kindness.
But the evenings were especially interesting. I went to visit her one evening and found a group of seniors in wheelchairs around her door and inside her room. I said, "What's going on here?" Izzy and her roommate laughed. "Well, we just have so much fun and laughter that everyone wants to come here in the evenings! We talk and share, and we're having a great time."
I was astounded. My friend was in a nursing home for physical rehab and yet she was sharing love and joy with everyone she came into contact with. I wasn't sure they would let her come home! Izzy has true charity in her heart and that heart expands to include all who come within her circle of ­love.

Endure to the ­End
Heavenly Father wants us to have joy in our lives. He does not want us to be miserable, drudging through the mud of trials, with no hope for happiness. The commandments and the gospel he has given us are like rocks in the river we can step on to return to him. This doesn't mean we're not going to get our feet wet, or that we won't fall in, but we have been given the path and the life preserver of repentance. And through it all, Heavenly Father has assured us that he is with us ­always.
He asks us to do one thing, "If you keep my commandments and endure to the end you shall have eternal life, which gift is the greatest of all the gifts of God" (D&C 14:7; emphasis added).
In other words, "Please hang in there and work on keeping the commandments and you will be blessed for it." It doesn't sound like he wants us to be miserable, as though he said that phrase with teeth clenched--"enduuuure to the end"--instead, it sounds like life should be a joyful pursuit of the greatest gift God can offer ­us.
The Lord explains his goal for the tenor of our lives in 2 Nephi 2:25: "[wo]men are, that they might have joy." This is what Heavenly Father wants for us. He wants us to have joy! President Gordon B. Hinckley, whom I loved for his sense of humor, said, "In all living have much of fun and laughter. Life is to be enjoyed, not just endured."
Let's face it. Isn't that what we want for our children and our families? Isn't that what we want for ourselves? We want ­joy--­pure and simple. Somehow, it goes beyond being happy or having ­fun.
Think about that ­word--­joy--­for a moment. What do you think ­of?
I think of my whole family vacationing in Yellowstone Park. Togetherness. Joy.
I think of being in a tent, snuggled up in a sleeping bag, listening to the rain. Contentment. Joy.
I think of sitting quietly and watching a hummingbird mother feed her babies. Life! Joy.
I think of finishing a large project that took effort and growth on my part. Satisfaction. ­Joy.
I think of eating a hot fudge sundae with nuts and whipped cream. Okay, that's pure joy!
In our lives, we can experience joy in keeping the commandments, as encouraged by the Lord. We can experience joy in correcting mistakes and moving forward. We can experience joy in selecting our own good ­works.
It's so important to become a joyful person while we are here on earth. Happiness should not be something we delay, thinking it's only possible after we've left behind all the difficulties we've been gritting our teeth through in this life. In Mormon 9:14 we read: "And then cometh the judgment of the Holy One upon them; and then cometh the time that . . . he that is happy shall be happy still; and he that is unhappy shall be unhappy still." Telling words. If we are to be happy and joyful, it is to happen here and ­now.
Our lives can be filled with happiness and joy, but the choice is up to ­us.

Happiness ­is:
Courageously doing what you want to do, even if you are ­scared.
Experiencing your life as an exciting ­journey.
Stimulating your mind and caring for your ­body.
Realizing that you already have everything you need to make yourself happy.
Knowing that you are the only one who can decide what is right or wrong for ­you.
Accepting that you are okay even when you blunder and learn from your ­mistakes.
Knowing that what people say or do is a reflection of them not ­you.
Listening to your inner ­wisdom.
Giving and receiving love ­unconditionally.
--­Anonymous

We can choose to be happy and to have a joyful life right now, but too many of us have let the joy in our lives be snuffed out because we are concentrating too much on the perfection list. I love President Hinckley's constant reminders that we need to have some fun, "A little play and a little loafing are good."

Catch the Joy!
So let's let the list go. Let's throw off our guilt like an old coat that doesn't fit anymore and bring more fun, laughter, and joy into our lives. Let's catch some joy!
We each find joy and happiness in a different way. So what is it for you? Where do you find ­joy?
If you're like me, it may take a while to get in touch with those joyful feelings again. That's okay. Let's take that time to develop our own "Personal Play Plan." What do you want to do? What would be on your ­list?
I began asking myself those questions and writing them down, a few here and a few there. Over the years I've asked many women what would be on their list and have had many wonderful ­responses:
Go sky diving! (The woman was about to turn 70!)
Go to the family history library once a week (My dear friend Libby has cleared her schedule to do this, and she loves it. As I mentioned, we're all different.)
Take archaeology ­classes
More playtime with my ­children
Learn to play the piano (by a woman in her 80s)
Go scuba ­diving
Rollerblade with my ­dog
Meditate
Go to the temple ­weekly
Learn to ­quilt
Try ­woodworking
Take a nap (my personal favorite)
Read the entire Book of ­Mormon
Take a ­cruise
Take up oil ­painting
Write my mom's personal ­history
Date my husband ­weekly
Write a ­book
Learn to tap ­dance
Get involved in my political ­party
Play my violin ­again
Grow a ­garden
Take a yoga ­class
Take a walk in the ­morning
Call my mother every week, just to ­chat
Travel

The list could go on and on. I have found that the answers to the question of what brings you joy are unique to each woman. No two are alike. I've also noticed what happens to a woman's face when she talks about these ­things--­her eyes light up, a small smile begins, and she glows as she talks about the wonderful, fun, interesting, or new things she could do with her ­life.

Personal Play Plan in ­Action
So, like a little whipped cream on top of a sundae, let's talk about how we can put our Personal Play Plan into action!
First, write down what you like to do or what you would like to do. If your life is like mine, it's hard to remember things in the swirl of living. So start your list now! And let it grow year after year after year!
Second, start small, but do start. You may not be able to go scuba diving immediately, but you could take a mask and snorkel to the ocean and try it out. You may not be able to write an entire book right now, but you could write a short essay or start a blog. The important thing is to start. Start this week. Pick some small part you can do now and do it! Trust that over time your ­talent--­and your ­joy--­will ­grow.
I wanted to try painting, so I started small by taking a class to learn tole painting, which I'd always admired. I had a ball. I wasn't very good, but I had so much fun!
Third, own your joy. I promise you that you will probably encounter resistance. One thing that brings me pure joy is taking a nap. Currently I have five ­part-­time jobs, four kids, three volunteer positions, two church callings, and a husband to care for. My days are often exhausting! So I take a nap whenever I ­can.
One day I was sleeping and my son answered the phone. It was the lady from the insurance company. I returned her call later in the day. I will always remember her snide and snippy voice. "Well," she said in a huff, "I hope you enjoyed your nap!" I laughed, "Yes, I did! And I'm hoping to take one again tomorrow." She was not amused . . . but I sure was!
It seems like ­people--­especially ­women--­don't like it when you rock the boat. If you're going around with a giddy smile on your face, they're going to be jealous. If you're talking about some wonderful thing you're doing, they may not want to hear it. That's okay. Own your joy anyway!
We may have to be relentless in our pursuit to bring play back into our lives. Yes, to everything there is a time and a season but no season should be pure drudgery. We may have to adjust our pursuit of joy to fit our seasons, but we should never eliminate it entirely. And we will have different types of play because we are all different. Never let someone else's reaction interrupt your pursuit of your ­joy.
And finally, cut yourself some slack! This Personal Play Plan is not another "Perfection ­To-­Do List" to flog yourself with. This is a suggestion for a way that might help you catch the joy in your ­life.
I remember running into a woman a year after I had spoken on this ­subject.
"Well, I haven't gone on my cruise yet. I guess I've failed," she said. (Here was a woman who had missed the trees of joy in the forest of guilt.)
I stopped her right there. "Have you thought about it this past year?"
She smiled and her face lit up. "Yes, I have thought about it. And I've been talking to other people about it. I haven't decided where to go yet, but I've been saving my money. I've been studying about Germany, and I'm thinking about maybe doing one of those river cruises." For her, even planning the fun had become fun in and of ­itself.
There is something wonderful that will happen when you begin to catch the joy again in your life. A ripple effect will grow. You'll have more to talk about with ­others.
I was visiting an office recently and one young woman told me all about her upcoming humanitarian trip to Mexico and the charity she was working with. Another ­middle-­aged woman related to me the story of her latest scuba diving trip. (I was so surprised to hear that she loved to dive!) Another woman talked about a book she was writing. And yet another woman shared with me all the things she was doing with her grandchildren. What a wonderful experience! I was so energized just by talking to all of these women who were actively pursuing fun in a variety of ­ways.
Imagine the end of your day as you're sitting with your roommates over dinner or with your husband and kids. "Guess what I learned about today? I studied the white rhinoceros in Zambia. It is fascinating! And I was able to rollerblade around the entire block with the dog without falling down once!" You will be quite an interesting person!
Another result of making time to play will be that you will have more energy in your tanks to serve others and do all those necessary things in your life. We have so many things that we must do, so many plates to keep spinning. But if we never stop to catch some joy, the guilt will burn us ­up.
I'm constantly explaining this concept to mothers of young children. Having some personal time is extremely difficult, and many moms say they feel guilty just taking those brief times away from their children. I ask them to stop and think about how they feel after their break. Most moms feel energized and ready to go back and tackle the real ­world.
This is also true of women who are working ­full-­time. It can be so hard to take time off to find some personal joy. And yet, when they do, they find they have much more stamina to return to their work ­duties.

Finally, when we make the effort to fill our lives with more joy, we find that we are filled with greater charity. We will notice others more and have the energy and interest to reach out and help them. Guilt is a very selfish endeavor, and when we are swept up in feeling that way often, it's like we have blinders on. When we can toss the guilt aside, we can find the joy that comes when we help others and are aware of their needs and ­concerns.
I listen to a local radio show hosted by Jeff and Jer. Every day they sign off the same way, "This is the two and only, Jeff and Jer! This has been the best day of our lives! See ya!" I'm always intrigued by that. I think, "How can they say that? What if something bad is happening? And what about me? Is this the best day of my life?"
And each time I ponder that question, I realize the answer can be yes. Each day that we toss the guilt aside and catch the joy can be the best day of our lives. Each day can have moments of ­joy--­breathtaking moments, quiet moments, invigorating moments, sweet moments of joy. And that is worth the ­effort.
© 2008 Deseret Book Co.